Fear, self doubt, confusion about what I'm doing and why, all these things have been plaguing me since I finally stopped moving. Oh.. what a big surprise that is.
Let me start this rant with, "My Big Confession". I can't draw. I realize this is not the end of the world but I can't draw and it really bothers me. What bothers me more is that I fear it. It causes me great anxiety to even try. I break out in a cold sweat if I attempt to take a class. It's like the most horrible case of stage fright and it renders me nearly paralyzed and I kind of want to vomit... a lot. It make me doubt the "art" in the supposed "artist" in me. I also have a fair amount of shame about the fact that I can't do this even though that's totally illogical. Screw logic.. this is reality .... my reality.
I had a conversation, (one of many) about this issue with a friend who said "just forget about drawing and do what you do". Sadly, that idea doesn't work for me. Not being able to draw limits me and I don't like limitations. If I could draw, then when I'm not in a place where I can put my hands on materials and shape them, I could sketch ideas for later use. I honestly believe it would also help with my spacial relationship problems.... just being able to work out simple perspective in 2 dimensions changes the way you see things and opens channels in your brain that are currently only available to me in 3 dimensions and many times, not even then.
When I was a kid, I had major problems with spacial issues and my mom thought it might be affecting my school work. I got sent to a Dr. who had me try drawing while looking through something kind of resembling a microscope. When I looked through the eye pieces, I could see a picture on one side and a blank space on the other and I was supposed to copy the simple picture to the blank. Um... ah..NOPE.
The same Dr. also had us mark R and L on my sneakers because I could never remember right from left. It was only when I was in my late 20's that a friend said "the best way to remember is to hold up your hands with your thumb sticking out... the side that looks like an L is left. I STILL have to do that sometimes.
So aside from the drawing issue, the idea that I want to sculpt seems really stupid to me given the spacial challenges but, it makes me happy when I'm just doing it and not thinking about it. If I add the 2 dimension thing back on well...why not just shoot myself in the head right now? really....
So, the point of all that is that I'm here in Bangkok, thinking I'm a big-fat-phony-non-artist-because-I-cant-draw and all "real" visual artists can draw (where I got this notion I cannot tell you) and I should just give up the idea of trying to sell my work and go get a job and do this as a hobby and... and... and.... yep.. lots of crying was involved with that line of thought..... and so..... I'm fighting against the thought and losing the battle
WHEN
I walk into one of the shopping centers here, looking for some skin lotion, and go down one escalator too many, thus missing the store I'm actually looking for because I'm so stuck in my head I am not really paying attention to the outside world,
AND
I look to my left at a book display and see "Show Your Work" by Austin Kleon.
Of course, I pick up this book and I look at it.. and I read parts of it... and I decide that perhaps I should stop artist bashing myself for the day and maybe try to just do some work and maybe even learn to draw... a little.
Let me start this rant with, "My Big Confession". I can't draw. I realize this is not the end of the world but I can't draw and it really bothers me. What bothers me more is that I fear it. It causes me great anxiety to even try. I break out in a cold sweat if I attempt to take a class. It's like the most horrible case of stage fright and it renders me nearly paralyzed and I kind of want to vomit... a lot. It make me doubt the "art" in the supposed "artist" in me. I also have a fair amount of shame about the fact that I can't do this even though that's totally illogical. Screw logic.. this is reality .... my reality.
I had a conversation, (one of many) about this issue with a friend who said "just forget about drawing and do what you do". Sadly, that idea doesn't work for me. Not being able to draw limits me and I don't like limitations. If I could draw, then when I'm not in a place where I can put my hands on materials and shape them, I could sketch ideas for later use. I honestly believe it would also help with my spacial relationship problems.... just being able to work out simple perspective in 2 dimensions changes the way you see things and opens channels in your brain that are currently only available to me in 3 dimensions and many times, not even then.
When I was a kid, I had major problems with spacial issues and my mom thought it might be affecting my school work. I got sent to a Dr. who had me try drawing while looking through something kind of resembling a microscope. When I looked through the eye pieces, I could see a picture on one side and a blank space on the other and I was supposed to copy the simple picture to the blank. Um... ah..NOPE.
The same Dr. also had us mark R and L on my sneakers because I could never remember right from left. It was only when I was in my late 20's that a friend said "the best way to remember is to hold up your hands with your thumb sticking out... the side that looks like an L is left. I STILL have to do that sometimes.
So aside from the drawing issue, the idea that I want to sculpt seems really stupid to me given the spacial challenges but, it makes me happy when I'm just doing it and not thinking about it. If I add the 2 dimension thing back on well...why not just shoot myself in the head right now? really....
So, the point of all that is that I'm here in Bangkok, thinking I'm a big-fat-phony-non-artist-because-I-cant-draw and all "real" visual artists can draw (where I got this notion I cannot tell you) and I should just give up the idea of trying to sell my work and go get a job and do this as a hobby and... and... and.... yep.. lots of crying was involved with that line of thought..... and so..... I'm fighting against the thought and losing the battle
WHEN
I walk into one of the shopping centers here, looking for some skin lotion, and go down one escalator too many, thus missing the store I'm actually looking for because I'm so stuck in my head I am not really paying attention to the outside world,
AND
I look to my left at a book display and see "Show Your Work" by Austin Kleon.
Of course, I pick up this book and I look at it.. and I read parts of it... and I decide that perhaps I should stop artist bashing myself for the day and maybe try to just do some work and maybe even learn to draw... a little.